BUSTED AGAIN: Why Some Women Can’t Stand Their Men!

Published On inkoffaith.com
March 30th, 2015

I hear sounds of printers beeping all around the city… Women getting dressed in a rush, one right shoe and one wrong shoe…. Tripping down the stairs in a frantic hurry, driving like maniacs and honking at other cars to move along, and then finally, with no introductions, each woman barges into her husband’s office in the middle of a staff meeting and shoves this article in his face.

“It’s payback time big guy!” The wife crosses her arms with triumph.

“I’m in the middle of a meeting honey!” The husband’s face turns blood red.

“I don’t care! Last month you rubbed that “Why Men Need Four Women” article thing in my face! Well, guess what? Men aren’t perfect either!” She snaps.

“Is that by the same author? Ahhhhhh see? That’s an obvious typo. The author meant to say “Why Some Women Can’t UNDERSTAND Their Men!” The husband explains knowingly.

The wife grabs the paper to check again, and the staff members all rise to applaud their genius boss, and before you know it, the all-male business meeting turns to a marriage support group, sharing stories of how wives misunderstand everything, and are too blind to see how PERFECT their men are!

On her way home, the berated wife decides to leave this embarrassing incident on the Q.T, so she only calls her best friend, her neighbor and a couple of her colleagues at work to subtly voice out her anger.
“I can’t stand him! He thinks he’s always right! I swear behind that Mr. Perfect façade he’s really mean! But no one believes me!”

Of course only a few will sympathize because most of us don’t know what happens behind closed doors…

 What Do Women Want?

“It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it!”

That’s one of the classic statements that drive men up the wall. Many men find women very complicated they’re actually compiling a book to help them crack the female code:

“Yes” means “No”

“I’m sorry” means “You’ll be sorry!”
“Do what you want” means “Don’t you dare!”

So naturally when wives attempt to describe what they need from their husbands, some men are both cynical and confused. They have come to the conviction that they do a great job but nothing is good enough for women. So let’s take a sneak peak at what men are silently thinking when women voice out their complaints…

Shhhhhhhhh come with me….

Wife: “I don’t care about money. All I want is to be loved and respected”

Husband: And yet she wants me to show that love with diamond rings, trips to Hawaii and expensive dinners! Do you know what that requires, honey? A LOT OF MONEY!

Wife: “He doesn’t need to spend the whole day with me to make me happy. I’m looking for quality time together even if it’s just an hour a day!”

Husband: And that is why she gives me grief when I meet up with the guys once a week, even though I take her out every night!

Wife: “I just need a man I can trust and depend on. Someone who understands me!”

Husband: And when I’m all there listening and helping, she resists any solutions I give and insists I don’t understand her! Why are women so DIFFICULT?

The truth is, women aren’t complicated, they just speak a different language that is quite foreign to men. There’s a lot of miscommunication in marriages because while men operate through logical thinking, women work on pure feelings. Men have the urge to solve problems in a practical efficient way, while women just need to talk it out without being judged or impelled to make sudden changes. Wives tend to generalize and are more imaginative, while husbands are literal and very specific.

When a woman says she doesn’t care about money, she means it’s not her top priority but of course it still is important! She’s not looking forward to living in a dumpster, but will stand by her man either way if she really loves him. When a woman expresses her anger or frustration it doesn’t mean she’s blaming the husband for everything that went wrong, she just needs to let out some steam! We use figures of speech and metaphors too, you know!

A woman’s ‘five minutes’ does not literally mean 300 seconds!
Why is that so hard for men to understand?!

The Vicious Circle Couples Twirl In

Ever wondered why men are so obsessed with watching soccer matches?

Besides the fact that yelling and swearing at the TV is not a punishable crime as opposed to say, roaring at the kids, men generally like to keep score. And they relate to the rules that are clear and simple…

Win-Lose

Black-White

Yes-No

Whatever lies between the two options is a grey area that doesn’t really register in male brains as significant. So if you’re having a conversation with a man and you don’t adamantly and deliberately stress on the fact that he’s RIGHT, don’t be surprised if he gets offended. I mean, in a black and white world, if you don’t think he’s right then you obviously think he’s wrong! Which means the score is 1 to nothing! It’s not that men are arrogant or in denial, they just need to win, and they work more efficiently through encouragement. They need their wives’ approval and appreciation because it motivates them to be better and give more! On the other hand, if men are constantly criticized or are being told what to do and how to do it, they start feeling blamed, rejected and eventually give up, even when that’s not the intention of women at all!

Oh my God! There she goes again giving excuses to the men! You’d think a female author would support her own kind every once in a while! Holy!

 Time For Men To Step Up!

(Girls you’ll need to cover your ears now. This section is strictly for men!)

Even though women are emotionally stronger and have great powers at their disposal (two beliefs supported by Islam and psychology), it still doesn’t take the heat off husbands. It takes two to make a marriage work or fall apart. There’s a reason why many wives are frustrated these days, and it’s not because they’re drama queens. Women have needs that some men obviously don’t understand. Many husbands already spend time at home and make big deals of special occasions and are very much willing to help but their wives are still unhappy. It’s not what you do but rather it’s how you make your woman feel.

As years go by, the rush in a marriage settles down and is replaced with a sacred bond of understanding. A husband needs to remember that his wife isn’t out there to make his life miserable; she’s actually on his side! With days filled with commitments, responsibilities and distractions, women need to feel acknowledged. They need to feel loved and appreciated even if it’s with little daily gestures like a warm hug. If you really want to score big with your woman, give importance to those simple acts of love like getting her a rose for no reason at all or giving her a compliment when she looks tired. Try to maintain scoring one virtual point everyday instead of doing a big gesture every six months and then say ‘Hey, I sat through an entire musical for you last summer, that should earn me enough points for a whole year!”

Yeah it doesn’t work that way.

You can take the space you need and do the things you love with your guy friends and all but in return leave your wife with a reassuring feeling that you love her and miss her. Women are strong and capable and independent but deep inside they’re also soft and sensitive…. All they need is a genuine feeling to keep them going.

The beloved Prophet (PBUH) was a very busy man. Not the normal ‘I have a business meeting’ or ‘Come on it’s the Champion’s League’ kind of busy, no he was literally the one man carrying the hugest burden of ‘changing the world’ on his shoulders. Yet he was the softest, most loving and most tender husband of all times. He gave time and attention to his wives, helped with the housework, mended his own clothes and actually listened when his wife had a problem. One time Lady Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) lost her necklace on the way back from one of the battles and our beloved Prophet (PBUH) asked the whole army to stop and look for it. How considerate was that?

In his last sermon, Prophet Muhammad dedicated a whole part of his speech to remind men to show love and respect to their wives and give them their rights. He continued saying, “Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers….”

That said, let’s pause and watch husbands today….

Most wives carry the burden of raising the kids, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, driving the kids’ to soccer practices and art classes, besides having careers of their own, keeping up with a busy social life and maintaining their figures and beauty. Yes we are strong but we can’t be super women all the time! What happened to husbands that some of them won’t even bother taking the initiative to lighten that burden? Of course some men help out but others do it condescendingly as a favor. Women are overwhelmed, anxious and tired from the expectations that perhaps they put upon themselves, but it would certainly be nice to feel appreciated for their tremendous efforts. Why does it seem to us that some men’s teeth hurt when they give their wives compliments?

To every husband who had the self-control and open-mind to reach this sentence 🙂

Look at that woman sleeping beside you… Remember who she is…?

She is the same women you dreamt of day and night, cherishing the thought of making her happy and loving her forever. She is the one who stood by you through thick and thin… gave you children whom she dedicates her life to raise well and fills your home with love and tenderness. This is the young woman who left her parent’s protective bubble to come live in your arms… She is the one her dad trusted you with, just like one day you’ll give your daughter to a stranger and hope he will treasure her every day till the end of time. She is the princess that walked into your life to help you, love you and face the obstacles of the unknown with you, hand in hand. Perhaps she’s flawed, yes, but so are you. Perhaps she nags and whines and acts up sometimes. True. But if only you knew that it takes just a warm hug to make her heart melt and tame even her wildest temper. This woman needs you… she needs your love, support and attention. You don’t have to give her solutions or turn the world upside down to make her happy…

All you need to do is look at her…

Really look at her, absorb her and acknowledge her…
Take that extra minute to reassure her you’ll always be there to cherish and love her no matter what happens…

In the end, it’s making her feel like she’s the best wife ever is really what makes you…

The greatest man alive…

Lilly S. Mohsen

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BUSTED: Why Men NEED Four Women!

Published On Ink Of Faith, Feb 13th, 2015 This is the original version

I would give anything to see the look on your face right now LOL. I can just imagine most women’s horrified gasps at the controversial title, and of course all the smirks from men, too. I realize the ‘multiple marriage’ thing drives some people up the roof, but that’s a debate I can win later. (No wait a second, I promised myself not to engage in debates, so never mind, you win!). While Islam does allow men to take four wives and there are surely certain rules and restrictions to consider, that’s not my topic today. Sorry to disappoint the male readers. Now girls come on, you can relax, because what you’re about to read will literally transform your life into the fairytale you’ve always dreamed of when you were a little girl. Yes I know about the white pillowcases you put over your head and how you pretended to be a bride walking down the aisle with a bouquet of tissue paper. And yes, we all did it too! We all share the dream of a ridiculously consuming love and a happy-ever-after marriage.

So how many times have you heard a man describe his ‘dream’ woman? It might have gone something like this: “I want a woman who can be a wife, a lover, a mom and a best friend all at the same time! I want a woman who is soft and feminine, yet strong and confident. A woman who is religious and conservative yet wild and sensual, who is smart, funny, proud and outgoing, yet obedient and timid. I want a woman who is gorgeous but not vain, who is both shy and daring… Okay do you have all day?”

Men basically want the whole package; which is why some might argue they’re not capable of loving just one woman their whole lives, since no woman can possess all of these seemingly opposite qualities. Personally I strongly disagree for many reasons. Our beloved Prophet explains it in a few simple words: It was narrated from ‘Abdullah bin ‘Amr bin Al-‘As that the Messenger of Allah said: “This world is all temporary conveniences, and the best temporary convenience of this world is a righteous woman.” (Sunan an-Nasa’i 3232)

From a psychological perspective, each and every woman has four characters of four very different girls living inside of her. In my humble opinion, this is the essence of what makes her a ‘dream’ come true.  

1-The Formal Girl:

Dressed in a black and white suit, she sits behind a mahogany desk and looks up from behind her half-moon glasses. “Grocery list? Check. Kids’ dentist appointments? Check.” This is the managing director living inside your body and practically breathing down your neck all the livelong day! She stares at you with arms crossed and one eyebrow up every time you attempt to go astray or even make the simplest mistake. This formal, strict, no-nonsense girl is your subconscious, and your man needs her up and running at all times. She’s the one who will stand by him and never let him give up, the one who makes him believe in himself and encourages him to do the right thing no matter what the stakes are. This woman has zero tolerance for crap and will stop you before slipping, whether it’s implementing the ‘no shoes on couch’ rule or all the way to guarding his family and herself while he’s not around. She will make sure her man reaches his goals in all aspects of life, even if she has a professional career of her own, and she will subtly guide him to success.

This woman is emotionally strong. She is your man’s rock, and she lives inside of you and only you…

2-The Star:

Now we’re talking! You see, men are visual and this is the woman that every man wants! She’s all covered up and subdued in public, but in private she’s the one dressed in red silks, her hair flowing luxuriously down her back and her scent fills the house with roses from heaven. She’s the party girl who spoils herself with spa treatments and stunning feminine gowns. This woman is delicate, soft and sensual, she makes her husband feel like a man! She’s the wild daring girl who adds spice to his life and makes him feel young again. Nothing wears this woman down, not even the kids or work or daily troubles. She’s carefree and exciting, emitting an electrifying energy that keeps her man on his toes. She’s the one who goes on moonlit-dinners with her husband and greets him with a suggestive smile that washes his stress away. She knows what makes him happy and provides it with passion. She’s the fantasy that drives him crazy with pleasure, makes him feel alive, and is the reason he resists outside temptations. One look at her and he’s overwhelmingly pleased….

This beautiful woman is your man’s lover, and she lives inside of you and only you…

 3-The Baby Girl:

Dragging her pink fluffy blankie on the floor and sucking on her thumb, this baby girl with the cute ponytails is innocent, helpless and naive. She’s your ‘inner child’ and she needs to be taken care of. She’s the one who still gets excited about glitter pens and hides under the table to eat chocolate before dinner. She’s sweet and kind and loving, all you want to do is hug and protect her. This is the girl who respects and obeys her man, doesn’t debate his opinions and trusts him completely. She’s what every man truly and deeply loves with his heart and soul. She gives him the warmth that the star and formal girl can’t provide. She cuddles with her man to watch a movie, and takes care of him when he’s sad or sick. She’s the one who will stop in the middle of the street to help an old woman, and jumps on the bed happily when her husband surprises her with something new. She believes in fairytales and enchanted castles and ‘happy-ever-afters’. She never criticizes, judges or nags, because her smile makes everything better. She plays ‘peek-a-boo’ with the kids and tickles her husband when he’s mad. She fills his home with joy and laughter and quenches his crave to be needed and appreciated.

This sweet girl is your man’s baby, and she lives inside of you and only you…

4.The Teacher  

More accurately this woman is the giver. She carries the motherly genes that prompt her to learn, teach and advise. She relinquishes her pride sometimes to preserve his status or fulfill his perhaps unreasonable needs. This woman is every man’s comfort zone, the one he can trust and confide in. She puts him on a pedestal in the eyes of family and friends, and will make sure his kids look up to him till their necks hurt. This woman has a golden heart filled with faith and love to the One and Only Lord, it makes her man proud she’s the mother of his children. Like a dedicated teacher she revolves her life around him being a leader, brushing away his little errors and guiding him lovingly when he feels lost. She raises generations of Muslim men and women who will go out and change the world.

This selfless woman is your man’s soul mate and best friend. And she lives inside of you and only you….  

Now before you start making phone calls to organize a riot for female rights and camp outside my house with banners reading ‘What About OUR Needs?!’ and ‘It Takes Two To Tango”. Let me first remind you of the time when you were still engaged and you had this rush of wanting to spend the rest of your life doing everything you can to make your husband the happiest man in the world. Remember the time when this was your biggest dream? Well are you being the woman you promised him to be? Keeping marriage alive takes a lot of effort, sacrifices and forgiveness, or else happiness walks right out the door and failure walks in (Trust me, out of all people I should know!). Most wives today have lost sight of the importance of their roles in life, and instead wither away complaining and nagging.

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Surat Ar-Rūm, Verse 30, Holy Qur’an)

We occupy ourselves counting all the things men do wrong and forget women are just as accountable if not more. Nowadays the ‘formal girl’ is nothing but an aggressive faultfinder, the ‘star’ only beautifies herself if she’s expecting company, the ‘baby girl’ is a whining drama queen, and the ‘teacher’ is a self-absorbed critic! It’s time for us women to take a good look in the mirror and ask ourselves if we are fulfilling our obligations before asking for our rights! For God’s sake we live in a time when if the wife greets her husband with a smile he either gets suspicious or freaks out.

I can quote psychologists and wise mentors to prove how we can change people through changing the way we treat them, but I’m not going to because this article is running way too long and my son is getting frustrated he just clogged me with his trophy! Plus, I find no words can compare to the sayings of our beloved Prophet (PBUH), the only role model anyone can ever need. He summed up the four characteristics of the perfect woman…..

It was narrated from Abu Umamah that: The Prophet (PBUH) used to say: “Nothing is of more benefit to the believer after Taqwa of Allah than a righteous wife whom, if he commands her she obeys him, if he looks at her he is pleased, if he swears an oath concerning her she fulfills it, and when he is away from her she is sincere towards him with regard to herself and his wealth.” (Sunan Ibn Majah, Vol.3, Book 9, Hadith 1857)

Today is the day the whole world is celebrating ‘love’, and even though Muslims don’t believe in Valentines’ Day, it’s nice to be reminded to tell the people you love just how much you love them…. Starting with your husband, who needs you more than he has ever needed anyone in this world. It’s your choice really, you can be your man’s most amazing fantasy or you can be his worst nightmare. Studying the Qur’an and Sunnah (which is basically what they teach us in Psychology) has given me a different perspective to life. A woman has powers she’s not even aware of.

Get in touch with your four girls and let your husband fall in love with them every single day…

Be that dream woman….

Be you…

Lilly S. Mohsen