BETRAYED..

Have you ever been lied to by someone you trusted more than yourself?
Have you ever been so disappointed in a loved one, that you don’t believe anyone anymore?
Have you ever been betrayed by someone you’re reliant on? Someone who promised to always make you feel safe?

If your answer is yes, then I’m so sorry…
I’m so extremely sorry you had to experience such excruciating pain. I know what that feels like and I wouldn’t wish it upon my enemy, let alone my beloved readers.

If your answer is yes, come sit here beside me, and let me soothe your pain, coz chances are, the one who hurt you has lost the ability to heal you, and that alone is an agonizing realization.

What you’re going through right now is called ‘Betrayal Trauma’, like other forms of trauma, this one is especially damaging, for it shakes the core of your most solid belief systems, and can have long term impact on your mental and physical health. You probably can’t help but look back at the relationship you once cherished and wonder if it was all a lie. Not only does the person you trusted suddenly become unrecognizable and completely untrustworthy, you also starting questioning if you could trust yourself and your own judgement.
Don’t let anyone, including yourself, undermine what you’re going through. The pain is real and amongst the common effects of betrayal trauma are:

Physical Symptoms like panic attacks, continuous crying episodes, insomnia, vomiting, hair loss, rashes, acne breakouts and weight fluctuations.

Emotional Dysfunction including a whole array of emotions like anger, depression, anxiety, shame, suicidal thoughts and helplessness.

Cognitive Symptoms like extreme intrusive thoughts, obsessive behavior and shame, sadly resulting in an altered definition of love and trust..

Have any of these hit a chord?
Again.. I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I have this deep need to keep apologizing. Maybe it’s coz I know that you might have never received a proper apology from your betrayer, or maybe because I truly feel your pain and I know it’s not fair you’re left to deal with the damage alone.
Like a hit and run, except this one happens over the years in slow motion and the one driving the car is your beloved parent, partner, sibling or friend..

So now that you know the effects, let me walk you through the phases of what happens when you find out you’ve been lied to. I know, it’s like watching a horror movie, but I promise, the ending will hopefully be pleasant and soothing.

Phase One: Denial
You’ll refuse to believe it. In fact, you’ll come up with ridiculous excuses to escape facing the ugly reality of what had happened. You might even be grateful to your betrayer or unconsciously treat him or her like nothing happened. It’s what we call ‘betrayal blindness’. Your attachment system is activated and your brain goes into survival mode, working overtime to bury the trauma in a black box and push it far back in your mind where you can’t access it. After all, this person is your safe haven, you can’t afford to suddenly be emotionally homeless, so you hold on tight and pretend everything is okay..

Phase Two: Anger
But the truth is…. Everything is not okay..
Something horrible has happened to you and now the numbness turns to rage. You’ve been deceived. Someone you love and trust has made a fool out of you and if that doesn’t make you angry, I don’t know what will. The safe haven has been invaded from the inside and your ‘fight’ survival mechanism was bound to kick in.

Phase Three: Bargaining
Did they really betray you?
Maybe they had a good reason? Of course they did, right?
You surely didn’t fall for someone so evil.
She’s your soulmate for God’s sake, give her the benefit of the doubt!
He’s the love of your life, you couldn’t have been so wrong about him!
So you frantically search for answers. You’ll probably have a million questions or become hung up on every little detail you dig for, all the while screaming ‘WHY?’
Why would they repay your love with such cruelty?
Why would they upend your reality so brutally?
What did you ever do to deserve a stab in the back?
What was going through their minds as they lied to so casually?
Your cortisol levels skyrocket as you experience a new set of stress-related symptoms.
It’s a struggle that probably won’t yield any satisfying results, and for that again… I’m so sorry..

Phase Four: Depression
I don’t know how long it will take, but the blazing fire of your anger and anxiety will eventually turn to ashes. You’ll be huddled up in a corner, left with the debris of a relationship you thought was a blessing, but turned out to be your biggest nightmare.
That’s the sad thing about betrayal; it never comes from enemies. Something breaks inside you every time you allow yourself to absorb what happened. It’s the worst kind of pain.
You’ll have to feel it though.. There’s no other way around it..

Phase Five: Acceptance
This is the most difficult phase..
In our mind, acceptance means approval, and it’s why forgiveness seems impossible at times, because it means accepting the unacceptable. But that’s not what I’m asking of you or myself..
I need you to accept what happened. You’ve been betrayed and deceived
Accept it..
You’ve been failed and let down..
Accept it..
You’ve lost something you thought you could never lose.
Accept your new reality, because resisting it won’t change anything.
Accept there’s evil in this world, and accept that some people can do very bad things, even to the ones closest to them.
Accept the shame, humiliation and defeat. It will help you reach out for support, be it therapy or emotional support from loved ones, which is exactly what you need to heal.

But Now What..?
Now your life has temporarily changed and that’s okay..
Dealing with the aftermath of betrayal trauma can be an isolating experience but please don’t succumb to it. Take your time to regain your strength, and learn your lessons
There’s a beautiful Hadith that I somehow chose to ignore in the past, but in fact it’s the ultimate shield against betrayal and deceit…

Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) said: “Love your beloved moderately, perhaps he becomes hated to you someday. And hate whom you hate moderately, perhaps he becomes your beloved someday”
(Jami’ al-Tirmidhi, 1997)

You’ve loved. You’ve lost and now it’s time to dust yourself off and start anew.
Just as long as you remember to not carry this huge burden on your back as you walk away. What happened was not your fault.
Please read that again: What happened was NOT your fault. There is absolutely no excuse for betrayal, cheating or deceit. So leave that baggage behind for your betrayer to carry, and trust that Allah doesn’t let sins go unpunished, especially when the sin harms and scars one of His innocent slaves.
It might not be the solace you’re seeking and it doesn’t fix what was broken. I just know that feeling broken isn’t the end of your story.
It’s a new beginning..
And don’t ever think God will let you walk it alone…

Okay so I was just about to commence with my grand finale about hope and love but someone just stopped me to ask a question
“Yes?”
“What if your betrayer shows remorse? Asks for forgiveness or another chance? Do you still walk away and never look back?”

*Awkward silence

Do you?
Well, I guess that’s another story for another article
Stay tuned….

Lilly S. Mohsen

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Day Twelve: 30 Good Deeds In Ramadan

DAY TWELVE: There’s Always A Place To Volunteer

 

Turns out reaching a state of ‘Happiness’ is ridiculously easy.

You finally find the set of keys you’ve been looking for for over three hours and you’re ecstatic!
You see a funny video of a cute baby with a voracious appetite and you can’t stop laughing.
Your life long friend calls to cheer you up and you’re suddenly in a positive mood.

It really doesn’t take much to be happy!

And it also doesn’t take long for this happiness to subside, simply because no one can maintain one mood or emotion endlessly. No one can possibly be happy ALL the time (I mean come on, imagine how extremely annoying that would be!)

So if it’s not constant happiness that we’re pursuing (since we just found out it’s obviously unattainable) then what exactly are we running after? What’s the missing element powerful enough to take this excruciating sadness away?

What in this life is capable of making us feel alive…?

 

 

No really, what is it?

I’m actually asking you guys loool

 

Well studies have shown that selfish people who have everything and live only for themselves suffer from low-self esteem, depression and are the most likely to commit suicide.

On the other hand, thanks to MRI technology, it has also been proven that ‘giving’ activates the mid region of the brain, the same part responsible for cravings and seeking pleasure. (The scientific study uses eating chocolate as an example of intense pleasurable feelings. I think I just fell in love with scientists and researchers; such noble, knowledgeable people loool)

So I thought I’d put the theory to the test…

I joined my dear friend on one of her volunteering jobs to pack ‘Iftar’ meals for the less fortunate. On our way there, she eloquently prepared me for my first experience…

Marwa: ‘So we’re supposed to pack 1000 hot meals in less than an hour’

Me: ‘How is that even possible?’

Marwa: ‘We’ve been doing it for years. You basically give up the right to breathe and instead you work NON-STOP! You hear me Lilly? No side talks, no calling the kids to check on them, no whining about the heat or about your feet going numb. And no bathroom breaks!’

Me: ‘I can do that’ (Gulp)

Marwa: ‘Oh and also… uhmmm… heads up…. The supervisor yells a lot. She will make it a point to publicly humiliate you in front of all the other volunteers if she sees you’re not doing a good job, so just be prepared.’

Me: ‘Okay stop right there! Are we volunteers or ex-cons going back to jail? I plan on donating my time not my dignity, thank you very much.’

Marwa (laughing): ‘Dignity? Honey, this is serious work. Hundreds of people around the country are expecting this food and there’s no room for mistakes. Do yourself a favor and leave your dignity at the door. ‘

 

I did….

And honestly, I never thought working in an assembly line, amongst total strangers, sweating from the heat and shivering from the fear of humiliation, getting screamed at while bagging plastic boxes like a maniac and then going home smelling like meat stock would bring me such immense joy!

Nothing, absolutely nothing, compares to this beautiful feeling…

So if you’ve never experienced it before, I’m urging you to please to give it a try….

Beginners Level:

Donate your time to a worthy cause.
Volunteer at the local hospital, orphanage, public school, soup kitchen, food bank or help clean up a district in your neighborhood.
The options are endless.
Just pick one and try it out for a day. You’ll see how the humbling experience will be life changing.
You’ll see how expecting the reward only from Allah and no one else, is so amazingly fulfilling….

Advanced Level:

It’s kind of addictive…
I can safely assume anyone who tries the beginner level will most certainly move up to the advanced level of wanting to do this every single day for the rest of eternity because …

‘When action meets compassion, lives change…’
Starting with yours….

May all your days be filled with joy and may Allah accept us all in this beautiful, generous, holy month…

Amen

 

All my love,
Lilly S. Mohsen

Final Episode: Inside The Therapist’s Office

 

Inside The Therapist’s Office
Final Episode: Feel Your Life Purpose

 

A few years later…

February 3^rd, 2016
San Diego, California
Ted Talk Conference: Ideas Worth Spreading

(Applause)

Zahra stood tall on the red-carpeted stage and said, “When I asked my sister-in-law about the upside of me being blind, she said “I can now roll my eyes at you anytime I want”’

The audience laughed.

“It’s strange really. My nickname had always been ‘Supa’ as in ‘Super girl’. My loved ones believed I’d accomplish something big one day and become an influencer. Only they didn’t know my journey to becoming an international motivational speaker and a best-selling author would start AFTER losing my eyesight. The night I got nominated to give a Ted Talk my husband, who is also my publisher, planned a secret celebration dinner and invited the whole town. I had no idea what was happening. Before introducing me to the curator, who was amongst the hundred invitees, my husband said “Honey, guess who this is!”

Zahra froze with a funny, puzzled look on her face.
“I’m as blind as a bat. How would I know?”

The crowd cracked up laughing again, including her husband Ali, who was backstage watching her like a hawk. Ali laughed from the heart even though he had practically memorized his wife’s speech since he was the one helping her practice it for the past two weeks.

“You’re probably thinking ‘wow, this blind girl is making jokes about her own disability, she must be really strong. Believe me, I wasn’t at first. A couple of years ago I lost my sight in a car accident and lost my faith along with it. I was angry at the world. I completely broke down. I broke things, broke up with my fiancé and then felt my heart break into a million pieces. I’ve been broken for a long time. I refused to learn how to deal with my disability. I steamed out on anyone who tried to help, and those who came to soothe me became my worst enemies. ‘What did they know about my struggle?’ I fumed. It was a constant nightmare I was sure I’d never wake up from. Try finding your way around the house blindfolded. Do you have any idea how difficult that is? Instead of leaving my room, I’d enter the closet. I’d spill drinks on the floor and slip on my own mess. I bumped into walls, broke glass bottles and used shaving cream on my toothbrush instead of toothpaste! Living in darkness became the reality of my life and I couldn’t accept it. I’m sure my therapist would have horror stories to tell you about my anger; she was practically my punching bag. It was a slow, tiring progress. And even though deep down I knew I wasn’t ready, I thought perhaps getting married would lessen my pain and speed up the process of moving on.”

 Sitting with the vast audience at the conference, I watched Zahra on stage and felt the tears of joy slowly roll down my face. I was very proud of her. She had come a long way in her therapy. Screaming, crying and talking about her feelings made them by time become less overwhelming and less upsetting. She owned her story. She realized losing her sight wasn’t her choice, but dealing with it was. And that was her first step to healing….

“I ran out on my wedding.” Zahra confessed. “I couldn’t actually ‘run’ anywhere, I just hid under the bed for an hour before my best friend found me…”

And sitting in the front row with her husband, Salma was genuinely proud of ‘Supa’ too. Seeing her on stage inspiring thousands of people truly warmed her heart. Zahra wasn’t only her life long best friend; she was also her beloved sister-in-law. Salma smiled at her husband Omar, who smiled back warmly, patted her very pregnant belly and whispered the words ‘I love you’, before turning his attention back to his twin sister whose presence lit up the stage.

 

“I was scared of marriage. I didn’t think I was good enough because of my disability. You know we all think we have big problems until we compare them with bigger problems. When you face your biggest fear, your small fears kind of fade out. I remember when my biggest fear was leaving home and being responsible for a house and a family of my own. This fear dimmed completely when I lost my sight. It felt like a death sentence, I thought nothing worse could ever happen to me, until I learned my fiancé got into an accident and almost died. My blindness didn’t seem like that huge of a problem anymore when I thought of losing the love of my life, even if I couldn’t see him, I just couldn’t imagine living in a world where he didn’t exist. I suddenly reclaimed all my strength and willpower and sent him a letter begging him to push through. I asked my sister-in-law to write it for me because I trust her…….. Blindly!”

Aisha laughed out loud. She came to the conference with her husband and her friends Lola, Sara and Helen, who, like her, were all wearing the Hijab proudly now, too. Aisha was working on acquiring a degree in marriage counseling to help struggling couples the same way her marriage counselor helped her and Ibrahim fix their relationship before suggesting they go on a second a honeymoon and thanks to Allah her life with him had been happy and peaceful ever since.

“There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In that hour of hiding under the bed on my wedding day, I realized I was only pretending to be in the acceptance phase, when in reality I was still swinging back and forth between denial and depression. I wasn’t ready to start a new page yet, and to my surprise, Ali, my fiancé was very understanding and promised to wait till I was. We called off the wedding, I went back to blind school and started therapy full time. And Ali waited for me for two years…. Because….” Zahra’s voice crackled and she couldn’t help her tears. “In his heart he believed only I could make him happy. He didn’t care about my disability. He said it made him love me even more.” Zahra smiled and wiped her tears as the crowed applauded her while ‘awwwwing’ and ‘ohhhhhing’’ sentimentally. “Yeah, he’s not always that romantic though. Just so you know, we got married last summer, and since then, whenever he wants to get back at me during an argument, he simply rearranges the furniture!”

 

(Audience laughter)

“You know, life is hard. This is an inevitable truth. It’s once you accept this truth that life ceases to be hard. And it’s when I accepted my destiny, that my blindness stopped being a ‘disability’. Everyone has problems, and God never burdens us with more than we can endure. There were probably seven thousand things I could do before losing my sight. And now maybe that number has gone down to three thousand! But I’m motivated to do more now than I ever was when my eyes were functioning. The only reason life throws horrific traumas our way is because there’s an area that needs to grow. God took away my ability to see, but gave me the will to achieve so much more with all my other senses. He gave me ‘insight instead of sight’ and it was a blessing in disguise. It was also the title of my first book. And I hear it sold over 15 million copies!” Zahra smiled while the audience applauded her again.

“In Islam we have six pillars of faith; belief in one God, His angels, His holy books, His prophets, belief in the Last Day and belief in destiny (Preordainment). We skim through them and say we believe, but do we? To trust God in the light of day is easy, we can all do it. But to trust Him in the pit of darkness… that is true faith. Even if bad things happen, you must believe it’s God’s will and it’s always for the best. You must believe He’s protecting you from something worse. Losing my sight is a blessing compared to being completely paralyzed. Being paralyzed is a blessing compared to losing your loved one in war. And you know what’s so much worse than any trial you can think of? Do you know what is the scariest calamity that can happen in this life? It’s losing one’s faith and dying a disbeliever…. I believe every other problem and hardship pales in comparison.

 

We are only as blind as we want to be.
Our Lord says: ‘Indeed It is not the eyes that go blind, but it is the hearts, within the chests, that go blind”
(Surat Al Hajj, ayah 46, Holy Qur’an)

So many people still have their eyesight intact, but do they really see the truth? Do they really notice the miracles around them and look at life from different perspectives? Does sight count when there is no insight?” Zahra asked. “They say ‘love is blind’ but I disagree. Anger is blind. Hate is blind. Bitterness, envy and despair are blind. Hopelessness is blind. But love is what keeps us going. It’s what keeps us strong. My love for my Lord and my unwavering faith in His promise is what helps me get through the day, because even in the worst of times, I remind myself whatever He wills is good.” Zahra said.

 

“In one of my therapy sessions, I was asked about whom I would trade my life with. And after much contemplation I answered ‘no one’. I really wouldn’t want to trade with anyone. I’m where I’m supposed to be…and I’m finally happy. May the Lord give us the wisdom to accept the things we can’t change (which isn’t easy) and may He fill our hearts with love, faith and light…. Amen. Thank you….”

  

Lilly S. Mohsen