Paid Your Emotional Debt Yet?

It was all over…

His family bathed and wrapped him in white, musk-scented sheets and said their tearful goodbyes as people swarmed into the mosque for the funeral prayer. 

The sheikh waited for the sobs and wails to quiet down, and then asked the weirdest question.
“Does this man owe emotional debt to anyone here….? If so, please forgive him” 

Emotional debt? Never had a combination of two words strike my heart like those ones did. They sounded odd. Powerful. But most of all, they sounded truly impossible. If this man had hurt someone’s feelings, broke someone’s heart, lied, cheated or betrayed someone, how on earth could this be rectified now?

One can pay a deceased’s financial debts out of love and mercy. But when it comes to matters of heart, who pays the emotional bill? 

Reclaiming The Pain

Look closely at these mourning faces and you’ll see beyond what meets the eye…

A daughter who’s had no voice all her life, living in fear of being punished for having the simplest dreams

A son who’s been insulted, put down and made to believe he was a failure

A wife who’s been neglected, abused, or has had her light dimmed out by unmet needs.

A friend who’s always been there, yet stabbed in the back by the person they trusted the most

A woman who’s had her heart broken by the only man she loved because she desperately held on to empty promises.

A mother who sacrificed her life for a child who lost their way and never looked back

A hard worker who’s been belittled and treated with disrespect

Look at all this pain. It’s palpable. The pain of losing someone you love and the pain of losing yourself because you loved or needed someone so bad. Now that everything has come to an end, where do we go from here? Who foots the bill? And most importantly, how can we possibly do that?

The Roles We Play

So you’ve hurt someone? Of course you did. We all do.
I have good news and bad news for you my friend.
The good news is that you’re reading this, which means you’re still alive. You have a chance to pay the price now instead of carrying it with you to a place where debt settlement is quite unaffordable. 

The bad news is…. It’s not simple math and balanced numbers. Emotional wounds are more complicated than saying ‘I’m sorry’ and pretending there’s healing magic in those words. Just like a physical wound needs time, medication and special care to fully heal, a broken heart is even much more delicate and precious. It needs patience, love, attention, remorse and changed behavior. 

I know people who apologize then go back to their same toxic patterns, poking the same wound over and over till that hurt person completely collapses. And even worse, I know people who, out of fear, crawl back into their shells, act normal and just ‘wait it out’ thinking ‘time heals all wounds’. But time heals NOTHING! It’s what you do during that time that can either mend a broken heart or shatter it into a million pieces. 

It’s hard to face and admit the damage we’ve done, but let me tell you what’s even harder..

Allah says “Those who cause hurt to believing men and women have invited upon themselves a calumny and a manifest sin” (Holy Qur’an 33:58)

You know what calumny means? (Me neither I had to look it up). Calumny is a misrepresentation that harms one’s reputation, and a ‘manifest sin’ is a clear, evident transgression. I’m not sure why Allah chose those two specific terms, but either way, they cover punishment in both this life and the Hereafter, and it’s you and me who’ve invited them because our egos won’t let us see where we went wrong.

If you’ve ever made someone cry or scream silently with agony, even if it was unintentional, remember that those tears are valuable in the eyes of Allah. He will not let them go unpaid for. My advice is to run and make amends, beg for forgiveness and do everything you possibly could to heal the person you broke, because if you don’t, Allah will make you settle your debts His own way, and there’s a chance it might cost you your whole eternity.

And if you’re the one who’s been wounded and broken….

If you’re the one who can’t trust anyone anymore, having to pretend you’re strong when your heart is slowly dying inside..
Thinking the person who hurt you has gotten away with it scot free….

Remember that your Lord named Himself “The Restorer”, “The Utterly Just”, “The Most Gentle”, “The Watcher”, “The Responsive One”, “The Powerful” and “The Avenger”
I swear to you by all those beautiful names that Allah will compensate you for every single time you have felt defeated and in pain. I swear to you this heartache won’t go unwitnessed, and it will eventually be replaced with love, peace and so much joy…

Just be patient, take as long as you need to process this loss and pain, for even when the logic of your brain tells you to ‘get over it already’, remember that your heart speaks the language of emotions.. It will lag behind and take much longer to completely heal…
It’s okay not to be okay for a while…

Be kind to yourself and enjoy this richness….
For Allah the greatest is the One who will repay you….

That’s a promise….

All my love…

Lilly S. Mohsen

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Who Are You?

I came here to write.
I did, didn’t I..?

Once a year, I escape to this serene place by the Nile River, to soak in the sun, the peaceful Nubian vibes and most of all, to reconnect with myself again after the turmoil of yet another year filled with….
What? I don’t know..

Do you…?

Everytime I come here, hoping to find myself, or do something different, I come across your little secret as well… 

‘Wherever you go, there you are…’

I know you’ve tried to escape too and to no avail.
I know you’ve tried to ‘find’ yourself, set new goals or just tried to make sense of every heartache you’ve been through..
I know the same thoughts haunt you and pull you down every once in a while, and sometimes the time you take away to “heal” is just another form of a numbing technique or a mere distraction from the reality that’s too hard to face.

(Wait, the woman sitting next to me is telling her friend all about her abusive husband and it’s so hard not to eavesdrop! It’s like the universe is conspiring to stop me from writing. Help!)

Yes, you’ll lose focus and be drawn away from your own thoughts, especially when you try to dig deeper into your own soul. Mindfulness is tricky business because you’re asking your brain to go against the current. The brain is wired to think, wander, worry, plan, predict and fixate on perceived signs of threat. It will not miss an opportunity to remind you of your past failures or your doomed unknown future. At some point, your mind will sound like a nagging wife and you’ll be that absent-minded husband trying to drown out her negativity. Instead of bringing your attention to the ‘here and now’, you’ll do anything but. 

It’s happening to me as we speak! What the??
I’m only here for a few days, people! Is it too much to ask of my brain to cooperate and join this little excursion into self development? 

Who Are You?

 
We try to be ourselves, but do we really know who we are?
Who are you?
Not your name or your status or number of followers on instagram.
When you’re not a daughter or a parent or even a doctor saving lives left and right.
When you’re alone with yourself, not doing anything for anyone, and not running around in circles from sunup till sundown.

Who are you underneath everything you portray to the world?

You’ll believe you’re thinking about the answer to the above question, but the truth is, you’re only listening to the same thoughts in your head that completely control you….

“I don’t know who I am..”
“I’m someone who’s been hurt too many times..”
“I’m a good person who’s always been misunderstood…”
“I’m a bad person who shows the world the exact opposite..”
“I’m someone who is scared, anxious, alone, insecure, and/or angry at the world..”
“I’m someone who has everything and yet completely miserable”

If you’re listening to these thoughts in your head, then who is saying them?
Come on, you can’t be talking and listening at the same time, right?
Which one is ‘You’?

You were not born believing those statements, though. Something happened to you somewhere along the line, that made a part of you believe them and another part resist them. Does that make sense?
Perhaps you strive to be in a loving relationship, even though deep down, you know your needs will never be met.

You work hard and plan to better your career, yet something tells you the success you’re craving is absolutely unattainable.

But now, which one are you? The positive, sunny one working towards your dreams, or the doubtful one, sitting in the dark corner with your arms crossed and one eyebrow up?

You’re both…

And I’m not implying you suffer from multiple personality disorders or anything, otherwise with all my different and opposite characteristics I should have been locked up in a mental asylum years ago 🙂

Let me explain…
From birth to the age of seven, your brain functioned very differently from the way it is now. From theta to alpha brainwave patterns, your mind was literally like a sponge, absorbing all kinds of information and filing them away in permanent folders named ‘Core Beliefs’. 

You took mental notes of what a marriage looks like by watching how your parents treated each other.
You figured out if your needs mattered or not, by the way your mom responded to them.
You created a list of behaviors and actions that will get you the most attention, and another one that incites danger, punishment or shame. 

It all started with a story…
“I turned out this way because this and this happened…”
Unfortunately, the stories you learn at such a fragile age have deeper roots into your soul and usually morph into ‘core beliefs’, some of them so powerful you never even consider  questioning them. They become your ‘narrative identity’ and like any great storyteller, as events unfolded, you add heroes, villains, plot twists and challenges to overcome. 

Who you are is what you believe about yourself based on a personal myth you created when your brain wasn’t even developed enough to know which side is up! We believed in tooth fairies and mermaids at that age for God’s sake. (I still do but you know). Actually that’s my point exactly! We are not trained to challenge our core beliefs, which is why I just realized I’ve been asking you the wrong question all along…

Who Do You Want To Be?

In the past, when I was a completely different person, I asked you ‘Who Are You?’ which implies you are this one fixed identity that is unchangeable. No wonder we keep repeating the same old habits and replaying the same limiting beliefs. In an attempt to find who we are, we are confining who we can become. We are so attached to the stories we tell ourselves despite them being destructive, and then try to escape through distractions, work, food, (eavesdropping!), sleep and social media to drown out the pain of a FABLE! It’s the only thing that helps and it’s not helping…

We begin to change our lives when we realize that the stories we tell ourselves are just that: stories. They can change.
(Don’t look at me like that. I swear to Allah they can!)

Listen to me….
Do you believe you’re incapable of finding love because you’ve never felt loved for who you truly are?
Do you think this is all you could be because you’ve failed to change your bad habits in the past?
Have you done way to many sins that you’ve deemed yourself ‘unforgiven’?
Do you give but feel too ‘undeserving’ to receive?
Do you have ‘trust issues’, ‘anger issues’, ‘daddy issues’, ‘health issues’ or any other ‘issues’ obstructing you from living the life you dream of?
Have you lied to your loved ones so much that you can’t look them in the eye anymore..?
Have you disappointed and pushed away the one person whom you believed could have made you ridiculously happy?

Are you scared your partner will reject you because you aren’t able to give them what they need?

Have you failed and are terrified to fail again?

Good..
Now we’re talking…

To Wait Or Create?

We live in a world that’s getting weirder by the minute…

Everything is changing so fast and spiraling out of control that the concept of ‘logical thinking’ doesn’t make sense anymore.
If logic was the only defining factor, we wouldn’t be suffering because of our internalized myths. Our lives would go according to plan and there wouldn’t be any unexpected surprises to steer us away.

We don’t know why some people died in the pandemic and some didn’t..

We don’t know why some people were born into poor families and some into rich..

Logic is not the driving force in any equation. Emotions are!
In fact, studies show that emotions drive 80% of your decision making. I mean, how many times did you do something out of character because you were angry, excited or scared? What crazy things did you do for love? How many life goals did you dodge because of fear, shame or insecurity?

If you’re waiting for the perfect moment to realize your dreams and be who you’re meant to be, trust me you’ll be waiting for a long longggggg time….

If you’re basing your actions on the results you want to achieve, like be more healthy, be in a relationship, lose weight, make more money and all the other life goals we’re conditioned to seek, you’ll fall into a dangerous ‘double-sided sword’ logic loop. And soon you’ll find logical reasons why you can’t succeed…
“The economy is bad”
“I don’t have time to workout”
“Marriage is hard”
“I’ll never find the right person”
Your core beliefs will kick in to have a little ‘negative thinking’ party, and so the story you’ve been telling yourself continues…

Don’t base who you are and your successes on results, because that’s out of your control. Base it on your effort, because that’s all anyone can do….

You’ll be judged in the Hereafter based on your intentions and your effort, not the result…
The same with life in this world. If you’re always scared to mess up, you’ll never try. Failing is the only path to success.
That’s how you learn, reassess and later perfect.

Who you are is not based on what you’ve achieved…
It’s what you believe about yourself

The actions you take and the consistent effort you put regardless of the outcome

Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) said: “Verily, Allah does not look at your appearance or wealth, but rather he looks at your hearts and actions.” (Muslim)

( Yay! I can’t believe I found this Hadith. It says it all)

Your heart….
It’s beautiful and it’s changeable.
Whatever you believe in your heart, you can certainly acquire and achieve through the right actions
Good intentions are not enough
Logical, calculated practices are not enough
You need both….
You need a desired feeling to be your ultimate goal

And the actions to get you there….

And in this journey, with all its transformational ups and downs that’s when you’ll become….
Who you truly are…

All my Love,
Lilly S. Mohsen

Behind The Scenes: Podcast Interview with Lilly S. Mohsen

 

I must say I was truly honored and very humbled to be featured….

 

 

Okay, I’m sorry, I don’t know how to do the formal cliche speeches looool. I guess I just don’t have it in my DNA or something. You’ll believe it once you hear that podcast.

But before you do that, let me take you behind the scenes very quickly…

So here I am, snuggled in my beige recliner on a Friday night, waiting eagerly for Mifrah, the lovely host and producer, to start the video call.
I was nervous, to be perfectly honest. Yes I was very excited, but I was also very nervous, because  I suddenly figured my casual style in my writing might come off as ‘tolerably cute’, but in real life, with me giggling out loud and everything, well…. mmmmm… not so much looool.

Anyways, Mifrah is such a natural, she eased me into it, and before I knew it, I was being me, talking about my imaginary friends, my favorite therapy success stories, how people can turn their lives around, and the secrets to finding what makes you ‘special’….

I had plans to go into more details with the ‘behind the scenes’ thing but I just can’t wait this long for you guys to hear the Podcast loool.

I really hope you guys enjoy it….

 

Lilly S. Mohsen

 

P.S.: Opps which reminds me, in the original interview, Mifrah introduces me to the audience, and I make this whole big deal about her forgetting to mention the ‘S’ in Lilly S. Mohsen. I guess she figured how much important it was, so she later went back and corrected it, saying my whole name in the edited version, which makes my whole ‘S’ drama in the recorded portion completely meaningless looool.

Just thought I’d clear that part out, before you think I’m THAT much of a drama queen!

Anyways, without further ado, here it is ….

Enjoy…

 

https://productivemuslim.com/interview-with-lilly-mohsen/

 

Episode 5: Reaction Formation As A Self Defense Mechanism

Self defense mechanism

 

 

Episode Five: Reaction Formation As A Self Defense Mechanism

 

 

“Thank you for meeting with me Alfred. I won’t take up too much of your time, I just have a couple of questions about the night Mrs. Zahir’s necklace went missing” I said.

“Of course” Alfred, the butler, replied with a quick nod.

“In the earlier investigations, you said you went upstairs right after dessert was served, correct?”

“Mrs Zahir needed ice for her rash. I had no choice. I was only doing my job” Alfred went pale and his hands were shaking.

“Calm down. I’m just confirming the information with you.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve just been around long enough to know the unprivileged always serve as everyone else’s scapegoats….”

 

A couple of months ago….

“What are you, deaf?” Mohanad snapped. “I said Scottish smoked salmon. This is clearly Norwegian”

“I will have it replaced right away, Mr. Zahir” Alfred replied with courtesy, even though he was burning inside.

“Rich people are arrogant sick freaks. What difference does it make Scottish or Norwegian? They’re both stinky pink fish!” Alfred slammed the plate on the counter top when he walked into the kitchen.

Giselle, the housekeeper, didn’t say anything. She gulped down the unwanted food, straightened out her apron and then stood at the sink to wash the dishes.

“He’s taking out his anger on me like he always does. We’re lucky we’re not like those people. Their lifestyle is so pretentious and toxic. They have everything they want and they’re not even happy. Take Mr. Zahir, he’s always grumpy, right? And Mrs Zahir is popping pills all day to relax. But people like you and me Giselle, we sleep peacefully coz our conscious is clear.”

“So you wouldn’t want to be in Mr. Zahir’s shoes?” Giselle asked with one eyebrow up.

“Of course not. I hate this exaggeration and fakeness. I’d rather lead an honest simple life, than sit by the pool smoking cigars all day and crying coz my drink doesn’t have an umbrella in it!” Alfred spit out bitterly.

“I’ve worked for many rich families. They’re not all bad” Giselle shrugged.

“Money is a curse I tell you, a CURSE! It turns people into monsters. Wealthy people are everything that’s wrong with this world. They’re bloodsucker. They exploit the poor for their hard-earned money and then pat themselves on the back when they give their leftovers to charity!”

Alfred went back to his room after making sure everyone was sleeping. He looked at the suits he was supposed to take to the dry cleaners for Mr. Zahir, put one on, and sat down to eat a plate of salmon and caviar. He followed his little weekly tradition with lighting up one of his boss’s expensive cigars, while looking at pictures of Mr. Zahir’s Ferrari.

“I hate myself..”, he sighed….

 

 

“So how long have you been working for the Zahirs?”

“About six months now.”

“How’s your experience so far?”

“I can’t complain. They’re fine people. I hope to stay working here for years to come.”

“I heard you got married recently.” I told Alfred, watching his facial expression slowly.

“What does this have to do with anything?” He panicked.

“Well, I spoke to your wife earlier this morning. She’s under the impression you’ll quit your job in a couple of weeks and move permanently to South Africa. She said you plan to buy a house by the beach. Is this true?”

There was a long awkward silence. I could sense the poor butler’s inner struggle and embarrassment at being caught in a lie. He obviously had no intention of working for the Zahirs’ ‘for years to come’.

“We’re still thinking about it….” Alfred finally said after clearing his throat a couple of times.

“Well it does sound like a good plan. You must have a lot of money saved on the side”

 

 

Later that day

“He’s totally busted. So what did he say?” Jenna, my eager assistant asked curiously.

“He said he wasn’t planning on serving rich people for the rest of his life. He was ready to do something meaningful for a change.” I replied as I stared out of my office’s window.

“Did you notice his antagonism towards wealthy people? Is that a ‘communism’ defense mechanism?” Jenna joked.

“No” I laughed. “He’s using Reaction Formation as a self defense mechanism”

“Sounds like something we learn in Chemistry class.”

“Except this mechanism is used when there’s no chemistry between the heart and the mind. It makes people appear the opposite of what they actually are. Like Alfred, he criticizes rich people and yet deep down he wishes to be one of them.”

“What a hypocrite!” Jenna put a hand on her hip.

“It does seem that way, but it’s more like repressing socially unacceptable feelings. Some people cover them up and instead, behave in the completely opposite manner.”

“But why?”

“Because fitting in is a basic need, Jenna. And whenever you start feeling you’ll be ridiculed, judged or left out for having different views or emotions, you sometimes ‘self defend’ yourself against this ‘social pain’ by pretending you’re one of the crowd.”

“But why?”

“La Hawl Wala Kowata Ela BiAllah, I just explained.” I laughed. “Like for example, a father who’s emotionally unavailable, will go the extra mile to show he’s overly protective of his kids. Or a man who secretly has homosexual tendencies yet openly and excessively criticizes gays. Or a woman who inwardly despises her colleague might be extremely nice to her in public. This kind of exaggerated behavior is what we call “Reaction Formation’”

“Good luck treating patients who use this weird mechanism” Jenna scoffed.

“There’s usually a deeper and a much more complicated psychological problem beneath the surface of what the ‘Reaction Formaters’ show. Therapy can provide a safe environment for them to explore their contradictions and perhaps get to the bottom of their primary conflict.”

“Maybe Alfred’s primary problem is his inferiority complex. And maybe he stole the necklace to trick his wife into thinking he’s rich and that way he’d feel superior in her eyes.”

“Maybe….”

“Come on! There’s no other explanation. It’s definitely him!”

“There’s one more suspect.” I said slowly.

“Oh you mean the house keeper, Giselle? You gave me the impression she’s as timid as a blushing newborn rabbit.”

“Yes, but I saw her under a different light.”

“How so?”

“She was eavesdropping on us. And it wasn’t the first time….”

 

To be continued…..

 

 

 

Author’s Commentary:

So I couldn’t tell Jenna but I’m gonna tell you guys what I really think, since we’re all friends here. She was right; Reaction Formation is a sort of hypocrisy, but surprisingly it’s an unconscious one. I know I’m not making a lot of sense but go with me coz it’s a very thin line.
When people try to cover up undesirable feelings or opinions, they’re using a self-defense mechanism to protect themselves from social stigma, but when they add contradictory ‘action’, that’s when they become hypocrites.

 

In Islam, they’re allegedly the ones who want both this life and the Hereafter but end up getting neither. They think they’re so smart they can actually deceive Allah, but He knows their real intentions.

 

“(The hypocrites) will call the believers: “Were we not with you?” The believers will reply: “Yes! But you led yourselves into temptations, you looked forward for our destruction; you doubted (in Faith); and you were deceived by false desires, till the Command of Allah came to pass. And the chief deceiver (Satan) deceived you in respect of Allah.” (57:14 Holy Qur’an)

Now I’m going to touch on a very sensitive subject and please forgive me if I don’t do it very eloquently. Some people judge and criticize sinners so forcefully it makes one wonder why they’re so ruthless when our beautiful religion teaches us to be merciful and tolerant of others. Could it be that those same critics have undesirable wishes to sin, too? Could this exaggerated hatred be a sign of using ‘Reaction Formation’ as a self defense mechanism?

If you catch yourself attacking someone’s lifestyle or behavior in a brutal manner, stop, and take a moment to analyze your intentions. Helping others find the right path involves love, compassion and most of all patience….
We all know this:

Through judging we separate, but through understanding we grow stronger…

And it goes both ways…

If someone condemns you in a hurtful way, (and before you get so mad you feel the smoke coming out of your inflamed nostrils) I need you to remember that perhaps it’s more about them than it is about you. Judging others isn’t listed in our job descriptions as Muslims, and so when we take it upon ourselves to become the world’s most infamous critics, it usually has nothing to do with Islam.

So don’t take the hurt to heart, and try to understand when someone deliberately tries to break someone else, it’s usually because they’re already broken inside…

And ‘having mercy on broken hearts and souls’ is definitely on our job descriptions…

See? Right here on the list, in a bold huge font!

 

 

Lilly S. Mohsen

Episode 4: Displacement As A Self Defense Mechanism

 

Self Defense Mechanism

 

Episode Four: Displacement As A Self Defense Mechanism

 

“Mr. Nadir. Thank you for meeting with me. I know you’re a very busy man” I said when I went to question Sameera’s husband the next day. “So can you tell me what happened that night at the dinner party?”

“Nothing abnormal. Mohanad and Amy insisted on having a dinner party for Sameera’s birthday, so we went to their house, ate, talked and left around midnight.” Nadir said, cracking his knuckles before resting both his palms on his big belly.

“I understand you brought dessert. A lemon meringue pie?”

“Of course I did. It’s my wife’s birthday. I couldn’t walk in empty handed.”

“I heard you got into a huge disagreement with the Bakery’s owner a few weeks back, right after your interrogation to be more specific.”

“It was their fault this whole ordeal happened. I told them NO STRAWBERRIES! How hard is it to follow instructions?”

“But the analysis confirmed it wasn’t the Bakery’s fault.”

“Huh? Still” Nadir shrugged, his face completely flushed.

“So what else did you do that day? Before the party I mean.”

“I went to work. Picked up the pie. Went home, showered, got dressed and then Sameera and I went to dinner….”

 

Three months ago….

“I can’t believe you stayed late at the office tonight. It’s my birthday. Seriously, you’ve reached a whole new level of inconsiderate!” Sameera complained as she strapped on her seat belt.

“I told you, I left the office on time, but there was a line up at the bakery! Damn it, what’s wrong with this stupid Radio?” Nadir yelled as he jolted it angrily a couple of times. 

“And now you’d rather listen to the radio than talk to your wife. Nice!” Sameera crossed her arms. “You know, I never asked you to take me to Paris or buy me diamonds every two and a half seconds like Amy’s husband does. I just want you to show me you care. Once a year!”

“Let’s not forget the fact that Mohanad is a millionaire! Not that we could ever forget, he never fails to rub it in all our faces.” Nadir steered the driving wheel, yelling and cursing other drivers on the road.

“You don’t have to be a millionaire to get your wife a decent gift on her birthday.” Sameera protested.

“Am I gonna have to ruin the surprise?”

“Yes, I think you should.”

“Listen, I have a plan, but you gotta keep an open mind okay…?” Nadir smiled wickedly.

 

“Mr. Nadir, you recently bought a lake house, is that correct?” I asked. His wife Sameera tripped when she heard the question, and dropped a glass of the drinks tray she had come to serve. She quickly apologized, cleaned up the mess then hurried out.

“Yes, it was a late birthday gift for Sameera. I’m still paying installment, so I didn’t technically ‘buy’ it yet” Nadir tried to compose himself.

“Well, according to this title in my hand, the amount has been fully paid upfront when you bought the lake house last week.”

Nadir choked on his juice, obviously taken aback by the amount of information I had gathered on his family.

“Back to the dinner party” I continued. “You went to wash your hands in the guest….”

Nadir’s cell rang suddenly, even though he had assured me he put it on mute.

“Sorry, one sec” Nadir raised his index finger. “Hello? What? You locked yourself out? You idiot! I need those documents ASAP! Is it too much to ask for an assistant who ISN’T also a blithering MORON?” Nadir yelled into his phone before hanging up on the poor guy’s face. “I’m sorry, we’re gonna have to postpone this questioning to another time. I gotta go deal with this.”

“That’s okay, I think I got everything I need….”

 

That same evening…

“Lemme guess, he’s using his assistant as a self defense mechanism” Jenna, my eager assisant pointed out over dinner.

“There’s no such thing, hon.” I smiled. “No, he’s using displacement. That’s when some people take out their anger on innocent victims.”

“Like how?”

“Say this husband has had an argument at work with a client. He drives home like a maniac, yelling and cursing and goes all hulk on his helpless wife because the meat loaf is ‘too salty’. Displacement is an unconscious self defense mechanism that shifts frustration on people or objects that are less threatening.”

“Yeah, like my brother. My whole life, I was practically his punching bag. He used to pick a fight with me every time he got detention. It wasn’t my fault his teacher despised him!”

“Probably because expressing his hostile feelings towards his teacher could have gotten him in more trouble. So to protect his inflamed ego, he took it out on you. What are sisters for, ha?” I joked.

“Not this! People who use displacement, they’re just passing the pain on to someone else. Someone who’s innocent and completely clueless. Seriously, how do ‘Displacementers’ sleep at night?”

“Sometimes, as loved ones, it’s our jobs pick up on the ‘not-so-subtle’ clues of displacement and try not to take it personally.” I leveled.

“Or maybe people who ‘displace’ their frustration should stop being so mean and evil!” Jenna crossed her arms.

“Nadir doesn’t seem evil or mean. He takes his anger out on the broken radio or his poor assistant. I think he unconsciously uses displacement because deep down he feels weak and insecure. His wife overpowers him so he needs to overpower someone else.”

“Okay so let’s recap. Amy uses ‘dissociation’ since she lives in La La Land. Her son Hamza acts out in “Angry Bird’ world. Ummm Sameera uses projection to pass her faults onto others and her husband Nadir uses ‘displacement’ as a self defense mechanism, coz he’s a wuss”

“Jenna!” I scolded.

“Sorry but it’s true. And since he obviously feels subdued under Mohanad’s piles of money, perhaps he misplaced his frustration…. Took it out on an innocent object, like I dunno… a diamond necklace?” Jenna’s eyebrows popped up.

“You’re cute.” I laughed. “It does sound plausible. But Nadir isn’t the only frustrated man in this scenario. Someone else is even more intimidated by Mohanad’s wealth.”

“Who?”

“His butler. Alfred….”

 

To be continued

 

 

Author’s Commentary

 

Ahhhhh the prodigy of displacement.

The husband takes his frustration out on the wife (or the other way around I’m sure). The frustrated parent takes it out on the kids. The kids take it out on the timid classmates. And the timid classmates take it out on food. It’s a game called ‘pass the fury ball of rage’; a vicious circle of always hitting on the weakest links, the ones who can’t afford to fight back.

Oh my God you guys, I just realized. We all use displacement somehow and it’s not very nice!

It’s probably the number one reason behind bullying, having unexplained phobias, hundreds of shattered devices, innocent kids in time outs, rebound relationships and even obesity coz of all the binge eating. And you know what, it’s not fair. Defenseless human beings shouldn’t have to pay the price for our personal problems. Especially when they’re the ones keeping us stable. Listen to this Hadith:

Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, “Seek among your weak ones, for you are given provision and help only because of the weak amongst you.” https://sunnah.com/riyadussaliheen/1/272

I’m not saying you’re not allowed to get frustrated. Of course you are, you’re human. I’m just suggesting instead of using vulnerable targets as punching bags, get an ACTUAL punching bag and you know, knock yourself out. Channel the rage into something more productive like cleaning or running or even screaming into a pillow.

‘But what if I’m the victim of displacement?’ you ask.

(Oh man! I was secretly hoping you wouldn’t put me in such a predicament by asking that.)

Okay, if you find yourself a target to this specific self defense mechanism, I’m gonna have to ask you to swallow your anger and stay patient. Don’t take it personally because we both know it’s not about you. Try to soothe and understand….

Wouldn’t you want your loved ones to do the same…?

Oh yes, you would!

 

Lilly S. Mohsen

Day 30: 30 Good Deeds In Ramadan

 

DAY THIRTY: Happy Eiddddddddddddddddddddd

 

 

Ahhhhhhhhh Ramadan passed by so quickly
We hardly even felt any tiredness
Look at us….

 

 

(Loooool someone sent me this meme and it made me laugh so much I just had to share it.)

 

 

I hope you guys are out shopping for new outfits and lots of presents for your kids.
And planning outings, gatherings, surprises, fun activities and the whole shebang!
Go all out, you’ve earned it.

It’s such a beautiful time to get our kids excited about Ramadan, and a great opportunity to boost their Islamic identity even more.

 

So we’re done?
That’s it?
I’m going home?

Awwwwhhhhhhh

 

I’m really gonna miss you guys!
I’m gonna miss our late night chats…..
You’ve all become a huge part of my life and now I don’t know what I’m gonna do without you….

 

Well, until I figure it out let me say…

Eid Fitr Mubarak…

Wishing you all the AWESOMEST Eid ever!

 

 

 

All my love to you and all your loved ones…

Lilly S. Mohsen

Day 29: 30 Good Deeds In Ramadan

 

DAY TWENTY-NINE: Zakat Al Fitr (Eid Charity)

 

Ramadan is coming to an end….
Wait a minute, so does that mean in a day or two, we’ll drink coffee in the morning, no problem?

We’ll have breakfast instead of ‘break-our-fast’

For real??
Oh my God! Did you guys ever try the Eggs Benedict on a muffin topped with smoked salmon? Served with cherry tomatoes and roasted potatoes on the side? Oh yummmm

And fresh pineapple juice…
And grilled cheese sandwiches
Frittatas, bagels and Pita bread with white cheese and olive oil

Red velvet pancakes and Nutella waffles

And our Egyptian Feteer (layered pastry)

And all the other mouth watering foods we love so much
I would like to thank all the items on the food menu for bringing so much joy to our family gatherings, so much love to our hearts and for making our taste buds alive with amazing flavors.
We have missed you so much!
And even though we’ve had our differences before since some of you make us gain weight, we’d like you to know that on days like Eid, you’re completely forgiven because it’s totally 100% worth it. And I promise we’ll try our best not to take you for granted again.

Give it up to all our favorite foods! Let’s have one more round of applause loool.

 
You know, at the time of the Prophet (peace be upon him) ‘Zakat Al Fitr’ (Ordained charity given at the end of Ramadan) used to be one saa’ of food, or one saa’ of dates, or one saa’ of barley, or one saa’ of raisins. (Bukhari and Muslim)
Given your drooling reactions to the breakfast menu I listed a few seconds ago, it kind of makes sense to give out food to the poor and needy at the end of Ramadan, no?
Yes, you. Did you have a question?

 

What’s a Saa’?

Well, it’s an ancient measuring unit equivalent to about 3 liters

 

Can I give any other type of food? Or even money?

Of course you can give other types of food depending on availability and quality.
Giving food is the ‘sunnah’ and it is the most correct form of charity in this case, but many ‘modern-time’ scholars have agreed that Zakat Al Fitr can also be given out in money and ‘Allah knows best’ (I’ve always wanted to say that but never had a chance! Thank you loool)

 

On whose behalf should a man (or woman) pay Zakat Al Fitr?

Zakaat al-fitr must be given on behalf of all Muslims under your care, young and old, male and female, free and slave. With regard to a fetus, it is not obligatory to give it on his/her behalf according to scholarly consensus, but it would be nice of you to do so, since ‘Uthman Ibn Afan (may Allah be pleased with him) did that.

When should Zakat Al Fitr be given?

Like right  NOW loool!

It’s essential to give the charity before Eid so people would have time to make good use of it.
You don’t have to finish reading this post if you haven’t given out your zakat yet. Go do it like right now please.
(Final deadline? Morning of the first day of Eid, but you better have like a REALLY good excuse!)

 

Who is eligible for Zakat Al Fitr?

1. The poor
2. The needy,
3. Collectors of Zakah,
4. Reconciliation of hearts (new reverts or people this close to embracing Islam)
5. Freeing captives / slaves
6. Debtors
7. Those fighting for a religious cause or a cause of Allah
8. The traveler.

 

Why do we pay Zakat Al Fitr anyway?

It’s a blessing for us if you’d like to know.
In the past month, there’s no doubt we’ve slipped a couple of times. A little gossiping here, a semi-curse word there.
Rolling your eyes at someone here, and raising your voice during an argument there.
Sheeeshhh some ugly memories are flashing before me loool.

Zakat Al Fitr serves as an eraser. It purifies those who fast in Ramadan from those little sins we hardly notice or can’t control.

 

And oh don’t we all need to be accepted and forgiven…?
Don’t we all need to be heard and loved…?

My dear Greatest Lord…
You’re the One who knows what’s inside our hearts…
and You know we have nothing to purify our souls with…
We own nothing..
Please my Lord…
Don’t believe our moments of despair or anger..
Please don’t believe our arrogance or selfishness..
It’s not who we are..
So please forgive us when we slip..
and love us despite the ugliness and resistance You see from us…

We don’t have anyone else to run to..
We really don’t..

We don’t know anyone who’ll accept us with all our flaws and imperfections and still give us limitless chances..
And still forgive, care and shower us with blessings
No one but You..

My Lord…
Can I ask You a question…?
Have You accepted us…?
Are You proud of us…?
Is there anything we can do or say to gain Your love and pleasure?

Allah…?
Are You happy with us this Ramadan?

I’m begging You…
Don’t let the month go by until You have loved and accepted us…
Until You’ve looked at us with a smile…
Until You’ve made a place for us in the Highest Levels of Jannah, where we get to see Your face…
Amen

 

All my love,

Lilly S. Mohsen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 27: 30 Good Deeds In Ramadan

DAY TWENTY-SEVEN: Is Tonight The Night?

 

No don’t worry, my biological clock isn’t that messed up yet loool
I’m meaning to post this a bit earlier than usual today coz this one is a deed of the heart, and who knows, perhaps tonight is ‘Laylat Al Qadr’ (The Night Of Power).
If it is, you’ll be so happy you read this today, I think you’ll be making cartwheels in Jannah loool

 

A little bit about Laylat Al Qadr?

Okay sure…

 

You know, centuries ago, people lived up to a 1000 years. I remember reading a story about a man who died in his 500s and his mom stood over his grave crying hysterically because he ‘died young’ looool (I know it’s not funny but I’m sorry it kind of is)

When that mother heard about the likes of us, whose averages lifespans is 80 years, her jaws dropped and she said ‘Why would they even come to the world? There’s no time to do anything”

 

“The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, was shown the lifespans of the people (who had gone) before him, or what Allah willed of that, and it was as if the lives of the people of his community had become too short for them to be able to do as many good actions as others before them had been able to do with their long lives, so Allah gave him Laylat al- Qadr, which is better than a thousand months.” (https://sunnah.com/urn/407130)

 

The word ‘Qadr’ has multiple meanings, ones of which are:
Decree:
The night of great ‘decision-making’ by Allah, entailing mercy and love from Him to His slaves.
Honor:
The most honorable of angels (Jibreel) came with the most honorable of books (Qur’an) to give to the most honorable of messengers (Mohammad) on the most honored month (Ramadan).

Power:
Allah endowed this night with unusual power. This is the night we should have complete faith in the power of Allah to change things…
To change our destinies to the better…
To change our flaws and fate and behavior…
We ask Him to accept us, forgive us and love us…

 

And yet every year, even when we try to get so close to Him…
Some of us still feel so far away…

You’ll hear others cry during prayers, and see their blessed tears roll down their faces at the mention of Allah’s name

And then you’ll look yourself up and down, stare at your dry tearless eyes, and shake your head with disappointment

 

You might think you didn’t put enough effort…
You were too distracted or too flawed or just not spiritual or soft….

You’ll look at those who worship Him with reverence and silently start wondering if you’re good enough..
You’ll witness this blessed night and then start telling yourself
‘I tried… I tried so many times, but I don’t feel anything.. I’m not tearing up or getting shivers down my back or even feeling serene…maybe Allah doesn’t want me…”

 

Are you crazy? How can you ever think that?

 

You’re right there at the mosque, in His house!
I mean would you allow anyone to stay at your place against your will?

No one forced Allah to allow you to enter His house…
The mere fact that you’re there, wherever you are, on your knees before your Lord, begging Him to accept you, means He already did!

Allah is the Most Generous….
He will never say ‘Hey, what brought you here!’
No… He will actually bring you closer, like a loving mother warmly embracing her child, and He will say: just “Call upon Me; I will respond to you”

We don’t change suddenly…
We don’t become pious, righteous and have faces glowing with the light of faith at the press of a button.

It’s a build up
Of little random acts of kindness and good deeds…

When you sit alone and think of how Great and Magnificent your Lord is….

When you play with an orphan or feed a poor family…

When you put your family first, and help them out with chores, even when they don’t even notice it…

When you emulate the beloved Prophet (just because he’s so awesome)

When you feed a bird or help a homeless dogs on the street
Or take the time to absorb a verse from the Qur’an or learn a Hadith and get your questions answered…

When you make your parents smile…
Or do things from the heart for Allah’s sake…
When you give good advice
Or volunteer to help others
When you teach a child to be a proud Muslim
Or when you silently praise the beloved Prophet (may peace and blessings be upon him)
When you remember the deceased in your prayers, even though they’re not here to thank you…
Or when you’re grateful for Allah’s simplest blessings…

 

When you give compliments to gladden people’s hearts…
Or when you spend from what you love the most…

 

When you forgive others for His sake…
Or when you forgive yourself and promise to start anew…

 

When you visit your grandparents and listen to their repetitive stories…
Or when you make a du’aa for someone you don’t like, in an attempt to please your Lord…

 

When you take time out of your day to read a post like this one, hoping it might bring you even an inch closer to Allah…
Or when you realize that I just listed all the acts of kindness we did this Ramadan and keep it to yourself instead of yell out “You’re SO BUSTED!’ looool

 

So be patient with your Lord…
Be patient in worshipping Him….

The change doesn’t happen suddenly…

The tears don’t flow abruptly…

The goodness doesn’t come unnaturally…

It’s the outcome of building a relationship with Allah throughout the years…

So if you don’t feel anything tonight, it’s okay…
Keep investing, keep trying, and keep coming….
You’re still on the same path with all the other people you look up to…

Some are walking
Some are jogging
And some are running with amazing speed

But in the end they’re all on the same journey, heading towards the same destination…
Pleasing Allah

 

If tonight is Laylat Al Qadr, then smile and open your heart to the love, peace and angels surrounding you….

Just talk to Allah they way you’d talk to a close friend…
And don’t doubt it even for a second…
Because you are more than enough…
You’re accepted and sheltered in His mercy and care…

So tell Him all your secrets tonight…
Ask for everything you wish for…

And don’t forget to remember me and my family in your duaa please (maybe you’ll be the reason we do cartwheels in Jannah too)

 

May Allah bless you all
And since you’ll be supplicating to the Most Compassionate and Most Generous

May the most you ask for
be the least you get….
All my love,

 

Lilly S. Mohsen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 26: 30 Good Deeds In Ramadan

DAY TWENTY-SIX: Help Her Out

 

You don’t know how much gets done until someone doesn’t do it.

 

Like when you throw your sweatpants on the floor, you’re not aware of the logistics involved to make them magically end up in your closet, washed and folded.

 

Your food is ‘shopped’, washed, peeled, cut, shredded, diced, fried, baked, cooked, and served hot, delicious and right on time.

 

Bills are paid.
Broken things are suddenly fixed (including hems!)

Bathrooms and windows are cleaned.
Lunch boxes are packed.

Oh the list goes on….

And usually the superhero behind all the action is the woman of the house, a.k.a not just ‘Mom’ but ‘Mom, mom, mommmmmmmm, mommy, mom, mommmmm’

 

Now don’t get me wrong…

Oh my God we love unloading the dishwasher 20 times a day coz you guys do it all wrong. It’s one of life’s special treats.

 

And it’s hilariously fun to vacuum and mop for hours, only to have you all stomp in with your dirty shoes. It’s like the highlight of our day, we relive it in our heads all night and smile with satisfaction loool.

 

And spending 95% of our time putting things back where they belong, ohhhh that’s just icing on the cake! It’s not tedious it’s actually the meaning of joy.

 

Of course dads help out too. They take out the trash twice a year. And you know, we beg them not to. We grab onto the trash bags and plead with them not to steal this happy job away from us, but they just won’t listen loool

 

Don’t even ask about ironing, folding, clearing away the dinner table, sweeping and cleaning inside the microwave every time someone uses it, because we both know it’s just another day in paradise!

 

And yes, before I forget, can you guys please ask us to run more errands? Pretty please with a cherry on top!

It’s the best feeling ever to drop every thing you’re doing, no matter how urgent it is, just to drive your teen daughter across the city because she ‘forgot’ her cellphone with her friend.

 

Oops, that’s my alert. I’ve reached my allowed sarcasm limit for the day loool.

 

Beginners Level:

 

This is mostly for teens:
Guys seriously, help out!

Helping your parents in the house (and by that I mean your moms loool) is a neglected Sunnah, don’t you think?

The Prophet himself (may peace and blessings be upon him) kept himself busy serving his family. He milked his goats, patched up and sewed garments and mended his own sandals.

And he taught us, “The best of you is the one who is best to his family” (Tirmidhi)

 

And you know he was busy spreading the word of Allah, with a mission that would last till the end of time, not busy with ‘which-snap-chat-filter-looks-better-on-me-today’

 

Okay that was uncalled for.

 

All I’m trying to say is out of all the days in the year, this is the best time to help with chores around the house. Help you parents, your siblings and help the help if you have any.

They’re definitely exhausted by now.

You’ll be reaping a lot of good rewards if you show them some kindness.

And hey, I’m sure you guys look great with any filter : )

 

Advanced Level:

 

This is strictly for parents.
I know you love your kids and they’re fasting and stuff, but if you really love them, you’ll give them chores and responsibilities.
It’s not your job to prepare life for them
It’s your job to prepare them for life and all its tough blows.

Let them share the housework.

Let them feel the value of time and effort.

Let them learn to appreciate the little things and build their self confidence.

It’s really the best act of kindness you can do…. Raise them right in a world where ‘wrong’ is synonymous with ‘normal’

 

Good luck (we all need it)

 

Ramadan Kareem everyone

See you tomorrow inshAllah

 

Lilly S. Mohsen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 25: 30 Good Deeds In Ramadan

 

DAY TWENTY-FIVE: Let It Out Of The Nest!

Not sure where I’m getting this feeling from, but I have this weird hunch you have a confession to make…
Like you’ve been hallucinating about ‘Barbie Dolls’ and ‘Remote Controlled Cars’.
The dolls are cutting their hair (worst nightmare EVER) and screaming at you, while the cars try to run you over.
And then you see yourself covered in multicolored Lego pieces, gasping for air, trying to explain why you’ve kept all those unused toys at home when they could have made so many poor kids ecstatically happy.
You try to justify but no words come out….

 

Okay fine, maybe that’s my ‘very-specific’ terror. But I’m sure you guys can relate to similar nightmares, no?
So in the name of sound sleep, I present to you this day’s act of goodness.

 

All Levels:

 

Even if you don’t have any extra toys to give, you’ll certainly find a lot of items lying around in the house with no goal in life other than taking up much needed space.

 

Need a hint?

 

Those washed jeans from the 80s you know you’ll never wear but, for some mysterious reason, you’re just not ready to part with.
Those outdated antique cell phones? The chargers, gadgets and wires so old you don’t even know what they’re used for anymore?
The books you swear you’ll re-read even though it’s been five years since you’ve actually had time to read a whole book.
Those stuffed animals you cuddled with in 6^th Grade! (Seriously? Loool)

 

Someone out there is wishing for the things you don’t use.
Do your yearly nesting now. Give them away and save your souls before the nightmares come creeping in at night and you’re scarred for life loool.

 

Not sure who to give them to?

Well here are some ideas:

 

United Kingdom: http://www.islamic-relief.org.uk/what-happens-to-the-clothes-you-donate/
India: http://irusa.org/india/

 

Singapore: https://www.pergas.org.sg/donate.html

 

USA: http://irusa.org/
https://www.iazf.org/

 

Canada: https://www.charityintelligence.ca/charity-details/501-islamic-relief-canada

 

Egypt: http://resala.org/

 

South Africa: http://www.islamic-relief.org.za/?gclid=CjwKEAjw7J3KBRCxv93Q3KSukXQSJADzFzVSWxrAn2fsoE8hx9_4EbYu3SS4kmwkJN8Ncfwo2434khoC9aLw_wcB

 

China: http://irusa.org/china/

 

Worldwide: http://www.islamic-relief.org/category/appeals/emergencies/syria-crisis-appeal/

 

 

Or you can contact your local mosque. They’ll probably help you out with all the resources and information you need.

 

May you always be a reason to put a smile on some else’s face…
Ramadan Kareem everyone

All my love,

 

Lilly S. Mohsen